GIVING BIRTH AT 40

Trigger Warning: This post may be triggering for anyone that has struggled with pregnancy, miscarriage, labor, or delivery.  My love goes to you.
 
There was really only one way to describe the feeling: restless.  On Friday morning, I woke up about 3 am, per usual, to use the bathroom. I'd already struggled to fall asleep the first time, but now, it felt impossible.  I tossed and turned.  I tried putting something on Netflix to distract me long enough for me to doze off. Nothing worked. Just like that, two hours had passed by and I was still awake. Waking up, sensitive to my energy, my boyfriend Hasan asked, "having trouble sleeping?" I started to cry. "I'm just really restless," I replied.  Noticing that I was crying, he sat up and asked what was wrong.  The deluge of thoughts and feelings escaped from me like the water from a dam released. 
 
I was overwhelmed.  I felt the pressures of responsibilities that I signed myself up for when I was trying to prove myself worthy to others, and I realized that they were responsibilities I no longer wanted.  I was feeling a 39-year-old tantrum of "I DON'T WANNA!!!!" as I thought about the day ahead of me.  There were people, things, and situations that would be asking for my time and attention. And I didn’t feel like giving it to them.  All I wanted to do? Write. Honestly, that's all I want to do, ever.  But, I often feel like I can NEVER get to writing because of all these things I "have to do". Or do I? 
 
The honest truth is, I've been asking myself the "or do I really have to?" question a lot lately.  Which brings me to another feeling.  
 
I've also been feeling like I'm on the verge of taking a major leap of faith.  And it's terrifying me. But at the same time, it's clear to me that the train has already left the station. I can't unlearn what I now know.  And I can't unfeel what it's like to take care of myself, to love myself, and to allow God to work and love through me.  I don't want to unfeel that.  As a matter of fact, that's the life I want and I’m striving towards.  And as each day passes by, as I get closer and closer to 40, I start to feel like the discomfort of doing the same thing... the painful result of my insanity will at some point outweigh the fear of taking that leap.  That day hasn’t come yet.  But every day, I feel myself getting more and more courageous. Every victory, no matter how big or how small, contributes towards my overall sense of, "God's got my back."
 
As I cried to Hasan, I described how I felt internally.  I felt like there are plate tectonic level shifts happening inside of me as I experience this transition from what I’ve been doing to what I want to do. It’s painful and uncomfortable.  After pouring my heart out, Hasan reminded me of an experience I’ve had twice:  giving birth.
 
“You’re a mother. So, you know that giving birth is painful and uncomfortable.” Spoken like a father that watched his son enter the world, Hasan helped me change my perspective on this pain and discomfort I have been feeling.  I am indeed on the verge of giving birth.  What I have been feeling is the equivalent to the labor pains of contractions.  The contractions are necessary to shift things into place and to prepare for that final push.  Thinking about my own labor and delivery experiences, I now have a frame of reference to help guide me through my impending birth.  There are eight simple reminders that I want to share with you.  Perhaps, you’re on the verge of giving birth to something beautiful, too.

1. Breathe:  Breathing is the simplest thing to do, and yet, when I’m stressed or tense, I forget to breathe.  When I’m feeling anxious, I experience short, shallow breaths.  I feel like I can’t catch my breath.  Breathing exercises are the most important part of childbirth classes.  It’s important to remember to breathe when you’re in labor.  Breath is life. 
2. Pain with a purpose:  I remember my first childbirth class.  The teacher continually talked about the difference between labor pains and other types of pain. She described labor pains as “pain with a purpose”.  I like that a lot and think about that often when I look at all the things that hurt in my life and proved to be purposeful.  I know that the pain and discomfort I feel is not for nothing.  It has a purpose. While knowing this doesn’t make the pain go away, it does help me tolerate it a bit more easily.
3. Work WITH the contractions:  One of the most amazing things about childbirth is that the body knows what to do.  When I tuned in and listened, I knew exactly what to do also, because I followed my body.  A great word of advice I got from the nurse was to push with the contractions and rest in between.  Nature loves some good collaboration!    I think this applies to my other birthing processes as well.  Writing this post, this “40 to 40” Writing Challenge is me pushing with the contraction.  Taking a day to recharge, soak in some nature, and spend time with loved ones is me resting in between.  I can reduce my own pain by working with the contractions and resting in between.
4. But don’t push too soon:  In both child birthing experiences, there came a time where it felt like the worst pain ever to not push.  The pressure had mounted to a level I didn’t even know was possible, and the urge to “bear down and push” was overwhelming.  But the nurses kept telling me not to push yet.  I wasn’t ready.  Had I pushed anyway, I would have experienced an even worse pain because I did not give myself the time to get ready.  Just because a part of me is ready to “bear down and push” doesn’t mean that it’s time yet. Everything works together, so if all parts are not ready, I must not push yet.  Strangely enough, I knew exactly when it WAS time to push.  I felt the final shift.  The nurse confirmed.  In this case, of what I’m birthing now, I don’t know when it will be time for me to push.  But I do trust that I will know when it’s time.  I have to be mindful not to bear down and push until then.
5. Grab hold of your support:  Can a woman give birth in the woods alone? Sure!  But, why should she, if she doesn’t have to?  In every culture, women have been held, supported, and loved through the birthing process.  Their loved ones knew that she was enduring unimaginable pain in order to give life.  A birthing woman can pretty much get away with anything, as everyone understands the magnitude of what’s happening.  If she asks for 1,000 ice chips NOW, you better find her thousand ice chips.  Total strangers have been known to help a woman through birth, should she not be able to make it to the hospital in time.  To witness the miracle of life is an honor, one that others willingly support.  It’s no different with my current birthing process.  I have support.  I am held, supported, and loved.  There are people all around me that recognize what I am doing, and they lovingly show up in support of me.  When I gave birth to my oldest son, I grabbed ahold of his father’s hand on one side and my sister-in-law’s hand on the other side.  When it was time to push that final push, I naturally and unapologetically grabbed ahold of my support.  I must remember to do that, now.
6. Trust the process:  Did you know that roughly 107 billion people have ever lived?   That means that giving birth is nothing new.  Again, the body instinctively knows what to do.  But so does my spirit.  So why do I question it so much?  It never crossed my mind to tell my body what to do when I was giving birth to my sons.  I trusted the process.  I worked with it and I listened to it.  I recognize that at least some of my pain and discomfort in this process is directly due to the way I doubt, question, and resist it.  If I could simply trust the process, I could have a better experience with it and perhaps reduce the pain and discomfort.
7. This, too, shall pass:  Like many other women say, for me, that last push felt like the BEST! DUMP! EVER!  Had I known that I would feel such a relief at the very end (of which I was actually quite terrified), I would have taken the pain a bit differently.  I honestly believe that the degree of relief is directly proportional to the degree of the pain and discomfort.  One thing is for sure; no birth lasts forever.  This, too, is guaranteed to pass.  One day, it will simply be a story I tell to remind myself I survived something that felt at times was going to take me out.  When I start listening to that inner voice that tells me things are going to be like this forever, I need to remind myself that this is not true. This is all temporary.  So is the pain.
8. Conserve your energy; this is only the beginning:  You know what I like about graduation ceremonies being regarded as “Commencements”?  I love how it symbolizes that it’s not the end of something but rather, the beginning of something else.  My job wasn’t done upon my son taking his first breath.  Quite the contrary!  The work had only just begun.  It’s important to remember that I need to conserve my energy while I’m in the process of giving birth.  Because once this baby is born, the real work will begin. 

They totally lie to young women when they tell you that you forget what labor feels like when you hold your baby for the first time.  My oldest son is 18 and I could describe nearly every minute of that 22 hours of labor with him.  I don’t think I’ll ever forget that.  And I’m glad I won’t.  Because it serves as a great reminder of the things I need to do when I am giving birth to other things in life.  I can tell you for sure, that right now, I absolutely cannot wait to see what my baby looks like! 
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Now let me go on and breathe…. I feel another contraction coming on!