It Damn Sure Is!

An old friend of mine used to say things to me like, “it must be nice” when I shared about certain aspects of my life.  While I may bitch and moan about my life sometimes, the truth of the matter is, I know very well that I enjoy a rather decent life.  I used to feel a bit of shame and a lot of ick inside when my friend would utter that phrase to me.  I know the times that I have used that phrase, I was being snarky and I was basically stating that the person is enjoying a privilege that was not earned or deserved.  She very well may not have been making that statement in that way, but that’s how I received it.  And as I was accustomed to doing at that time, I would internalize this statement and question whether or not I deserved this “nice thing”.  I would internally wonder how a person like me could be so bold to think that she deserved this nice thing.  Because yeah… it IS nice.  It’s nice to know that you have enough money in your bank account to cover your bills AND feed your kids.  I actually think it’s REALLY nice because I remember very vividly when I didn’t have that.  While my friends were out enjoying their 20’s, kid-free and financially reckless, I was counting coins to buy diapers and formula.  I could write an entire memoir about my struggles as a full-time student at Georgia Tech with a baby and a full-time job and no car.  I worked REALLY hard to change my circumstances, and my hard work has paid off.  So why did I feel dirty when I reveled in the victory and my friend responded with those four little words?  Those four little words made me cringe because I didn’t actually believe I deserved to be happy or to have nice things.  
Once I started thinking in this way, I would begin to receive further confirmation as I lost nice things in one way or another.  Challenges and controversy would arise, and I would suddenly be flooded with example after example of, “see, I can’t have nice things.”  I have literally said that so many times to my kids.  This thought pattern fed my overachieving drive and pushed me to show how much I “deserved” this nice thing.  I was constantly chasing some elusive proof that I was worthy.  My martyrdom has been anything BUT altruistic.  I would sacrifice to the point of suffering to prove to myself and then prove to others that maybe I WAS good enough to deserve nice things.  Because shit, I WANT TO ENJOY NICE THINGS.  I want to enjoy a nice life.  Even if that means I have to work for it, earn it, and deserve it.

You know what I’ve learned this past year?  That’s total bullshit!  I deserve nice things and I do not have to prove myself worthy of them. As Dr. Maya Angelou tells me every morning when I wake up and look at my vision board, I, alone, am enough.  I have nothing to prove to nobody.  I’ve also learned that when I start thinking in this way, I start to receive further confirmation as nice things seemingly land in my lap and fall into my life.  Blessings and opportunities arise, and I am suddenly flooded with example after example of, “I deserve nice things”.   When I express my gratitude for these nice things, they grow and multiple.  It literally never fails.

So when you see me out here living my best life and sharing all the love, joy, peace, happiness, and prosperity that overflows from my cup to the point where I HAVE to give it to others…
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If you ever feel so inclined to think “it must be nice”, know that I know that I know:  it damn sure is!  And I deserve it.