Love and Grief

To love you is to grieve you, all the time.  

​Watching my children grow up,  I found it very difficult to let go of each stage as they grew,  learned, and matured.  There was always something special about each stage that would be gone forever once they transitioned.  I loved all those special things... all those special stages.  Never again will I see toddler Warren; snaggle-toothed AJ will never be my little sidekick again.  Loving my children,  I have become intimately accustomed to the constant grief that comes with loving each new iteration of them, and losing the previous one.  Recently,  I've come to see this as true for all types of relationships.  

When I meet someone new and connect,  there's usually something we have in common that makes us vibe.  Our personalities mesh. Our lifestyles are similar.  We have similar backgrounds and interests. Our paths align. Something. But the reality of impermanence means that none of those similarities lasts forever.  Though we may stay the same at our core,  life is a constant state of self-discovery.  As I turn over the stones of my being, I discover parts of myself that I didn't even know were there before. New and different aspects of my being rise to the surface. To anybody else,  this can easily look like I've changed... like I'm changing all the time.  While my overall personality remains the same,  internal discoveries and awakenings cause the way I interact with the world to change.  My lifestyle has been shaped and influenced by many factors,  like my socioeconomic status and my relationships. As I put days behind me, my "background" constantly morphs to reflect where I've been. It's like a rolling average where the most recent is weighted more heavily.  My interests are constantly changing and I'm the type to get excited and deeply explore a new interest with remarkable zeal.  I'll tell you today that one interest is the coolest thing EVER,  only to be on something completely different another day.  My path,  which I used to think was set in stone,  is unfolding as I make decisions.  There are loved ones I've lost simply due to the fact that our paths were once aligned and then, they weren't.  To love me is to grieve me, all the time.  

Love and grief are partners whose dance I've watched a million times.  It's amazing,  how they glide across the floor so effortlessly that there are moments you can't tell which is which.  They look and move the same. You can't have one without the other. I'm so grateful for this. Because love teaches us how to grieve and grief teaches us how to love.