An open letter to those that love me

It is with a heavy heart that I petition your love, patience, and understanding as I seek to restore my heart and peace of mind.  You see, if there’s anything that my 32 years in life have taught me, it’s that this world can be a dark, scary, lonely, and fucked up place.  There are evil human beings that are capable of the most atrocious acts that my mind cannot even comprehend their purpose.  Why breath would continue to grace the lungs of selfish individuals who seek to destroy, take what’s not theirs, and cause hurt, pain, and suffering upon the lives of others who mean no one harm is beyond me. Frankly, I’m tired.  I’m tired of seeing good-hearted people in pain. And I’m tired of being one.  I’m tired of seeing success fall at the feet of those who deserve it least while struggle and strife follows those that deserve the utmost of happiness.  For reasons that I will never understand, someone took from me a choice that was mine and mine alone to make. And in the process, they robbed me of a peace of mind that I took so long to find. The solace and the comfort of knowing that I can safely live in a world where things beyond my control continue to affect my life was fought for and earned.  I worked HARD to heal the broken pieces of my heart.  I surrounded myself with love and lovely people until I was reminded that there’s a lot of GOOD in this world.  I sought counseling and I was JUST getting to a place of understanding and acceptance.  I found serenity in changing the things I could and accepting the things I could not.  I was there, I really was.  And I was happy.  But now, I’m scared and I’m angry and I’m hurt.  I went to a party about a year ago, and I woke up, alone and naked with a sore vagina.  And the last thing I remember is being handed a drink by the same individual I was later told was the last person to be seen with me that night.  I have neither proof nor recollection, but I’m almost certain that this person took advantage of me.  This person raped me.  And that’s not right.  My first instinct was to suppress this, and for over a year, I’d done a good job.  To some extent, I believe I convinced myself this didn’t happen. Then my next instinct was to blame myself.  I know better than to accept an open drink. I know better than to trust random people, no matter how nice, friendly, or cool they seem.  I knew better.  But, I let my guard down and was so busy trying to have a good time and party like a rock star that I allowed myself to be in a compromising situation.  I’m not to blame, though. Whether he drugged me or not, I can’t say.  But, he knew good and damn well that I was not in the presence of mind to consensually have sex with him.  And previously, when I was sober, I had rejected his advances for several reasons.  Whether I was even conscious or not when this happened, I also cannot say. All I know is this realization has hit me hard, and it’s gonna take a lot for me to get back to where I was.  So, forgive me in advance.  I’m not really in a good place, and I don’t know how to get back there.  I ask for your love, patience, and understanding as I figure out how to cope and heal.  I’m uncertain about where this process will lead me, or through what, exactly. But it’s probably not gonna be pretty.  Feel free to delete or block me if you feel necessary; I won’t be upset.  I wasn’t even going to share this as I’m doing now.  But fuck that and fuck him.  I’ve got a voice and that is one thing he can’t take from me.  As with every other jacked up thing that’s happened in my life, I’m determined to make sure my pain is not in vain.  If I can help just one woman prevent this from happening to her…..

Just bear with me and please, pray for me.  This too shall pass.

Sincerely,

Tanya

P.S. FUCK RICK ROSS TOO