There seems to be a problem in the black community spreading rampantly like wildfire, and that is the disintegration of the black family. It's been going on for years, long before I was even born; but the state of the black family NOW is scary to ponder for any length of time. In recent discussions with friends of both sexes, I've been disheartened and saddened by what is going on. And now I feel compelled to share my thoughts on the situation. I'm quite convinced that given certain changes, we can expect the improvement of relationships and thus an increase in healthy, successful, and productive black families.
Once upon a time, the man/father/husband of a family was viewed as the provider and protector. This, of course, stems from a man's natural strength, height, and speed that initially placed him in this position in the family. He was to "hunt and gather" to provide for the sustenance of his family. He was to ensure that his family was safe, even if it meant to his own demise, and in that case, his brother was to step in to fill in this role for the family. Nations for ages have respected the role of the man, as evidenced by kings desiring a male heir to not only carry the family name but to literally carry the family. And they did.
Once upon a time, women knew their worth. They recognized the power of the gold between their legs, and they protected it as such, only lavishing their sweet love and nurturing to those that were worthy. Women walked with heads held high, knowing they were queens and princesses, and dared a man to win, earn, and WOO her passions from within her. And knowing that the Most High chose to make her soft and sweet, gentle and nurturing...giving her the ability to love to a depths for which men have gone to war...she not only asked but DEMANDED that her worth and position in the family be honored, respected, and cherished. And it was.
But times have changed and it seems that with that, gender roles have blurred to a disgustingly sad presentation. In the black community, more women are called "mother" than can be called "wife". I'm not going to spout a bunch of statistics here; but I can speak for what I've seen and that is black women have been left to fiend for themselves too long, and consequently, black men have forgotten what it means to be a man. Black women have been "giving up the goodies" for too long and too frequently, that they've forgotten what it means to be a woman, a lady...and to know what it's like to have a man fight for her love...to win his place in her life. Black women have been single mothers for too long that they over-compensate for the lack of a male-figure in the home. The result? A bunch of sorry ass men who think that women are supposed to do it all.... Men who don't have a problem living in their mother's home, until the time that he can move into his woman's spot. Men who let their women work two and three jobs because "my mama did it"...but fail to realize that his mother should NOT have had to break her back like that, but she did in the absence of a decent man to carry the load.
There needs to be massive changes in the way we go about establishing and maintaining our relationships with one another if we're going to see the black family rise back to its former state of glory. I'll be writing my thoughts on the subject...so stay tuned!
Love and Bullshit: Part Two – the Ladies
Ladies…I’m gonna start this with us. While I was raised by my father and two brothers, I’ve never been nor will I ever be a man. I am a woman though. I am also an unwed mother of two. I grew up as my father’s princess, matured into a queen, and though sometimes I have been all that a lady should be, other times, I’ve been nothing more than a glorified prostitute, pimping my mind, body, and soul, not for money, but for the mere *illusion* of the man I want to share my life with. I can look back at my own steps and see why my life is what it is. I can even see how I have contributed to the plight of the black family in America. So with all of these things in mind, I start with “all the single ladies” (in my Beyonce voice, lol)
We’ve all heard the statistics and I admit, it’s daunting. The high and continually increasing number of unwed black women has launched debates and discussions, like the one presented by BET not too long ago. The shortage of “good black men” is almost branded in our brains nowadays to the point where sisters feel like having a piece of a man is better than being alone, like so many of us find ourselves. But let’s be real with ourselves ladies; while there may be a shortage of men, there is an abundance of dick. Currently, there is no man in my life that I can honestly say has positioned himself to be MY MAN in every sense of the word. Yet and still, without flexing any brain muscles, I can think of at least 10 men off the top of my head that, if asked, would show up without hesitation and without question to knock boots with me. Why is this? Because a woman has never had to beg for dick. Chris Rock might have been joking, but truly, we are being offered dick at almost every turn of our daily lives. What we are NOT being offered? The man that is supposed to be attached to that dick. As much as it is the men’s fault for not offering what they should offer the women in their lives (I’ll get to y’all in part three), us ladies must be held accountable for what we accept for our lives.
Sometimes I get mad at myself when I think of all that I have done for men in my past. Whether at the dating stage or in a full-blown relationship, I’ve found myself playing “wifey” to a man who was no more willing to be my husband than he was prepared to be. As the adage says, “why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?” Glass after glass, after tall cold glass, I’ve given the milk away for free…hoping and praying the beneficiary would recognize my worth and value, and “put a ring on it”. Now, I’m not just talking about the booty, although, that certainly does count! But I’m talking about all the other things that come with having a quality woman in your life.
I’ve given my best. I’ve given my all. I’ve made sacrifices of my time, money, energy, and effort to accommodate the comforts and joys of a man, for really nothing in return but his company. I’ve never known a man to pay a bill for me; yet I’ve known plenty to enjoy the comforts of my home. I’ve never had a man put food on the table (or in the fridge), but surely, they’ve left that same table full from a meal I’ve both bought and prepared. I’ve never had a man mow the lawn or help in the yard. But they cleanse their bodies in my shower without once having broken a sweat to my benefit. I don’t know what it’s like to have a man take care of my car or even fill it up with gas. Nor did I EVER have a man on whom I could rely for transportation before I got my car. MARTA may not be smarter, but it was all I had for a majority of my adult life. I’d hail cabs to go grocery shopping, take 2 buses and 2 trains to the doctors’ office, and walk insane distances in all sorts of weather and all times of night and day because no one was there to give me a ride. Yet, I had men who could call me their woman. I had men who could show up (driving, of course) and enjoy my laugh, my smile, and my womanly charm, despite the previous struggles that had me on the side of the road wondering if I was going to make it home.
I’ve dated men who were unemployed even though I myself have never been without a job since I was 15. I’ve worked multiple jobs when the times called for it. I’ve never been too proud to flip a burger or fix a sandwich (Subway was my second gig in college). And consequently, I’ve never gone without. I’ve dated men who lived at home even though I left home at 17 and have never returned. I moved off campus in 2001 and purchased a home in 2007. I’ve dated men with no college degree and seemingly no ambition to get one, while I look student loan debt in the face for pursuing my bachelors and masters degrees. I’ve dated men who really and truly had nothing to offer me but their company (and/or their dick), and I accepted it, and not only that, in return, I gave them everything a woman should give without asking for my just desserts. And I have the nerve to be upset when the relationship ends and I have nothing to show for my sacrifices? I have the audacity to be offended by their trifling ways and infidelity and disappointed by their laziness and lack of progress in life?
I put my business out there like this because I hope my truth is an eye-opener for others. I hope that we ALL can stop allowing these men to reap the benefits of our love without having first earned it. Let that man wine and dine you before you start cooking him Sunday dinner. Let that brotha pay a bill instead of simply running them up. Tell that negro he can’t have you up all hours of the night unless he’s gonna go to work for the both of you. Before he starts bringing over clothes and stashing toothbrushes at your spot, let him roll up his sleeves and mow the lawn, take out the trash, paint the walls, move some furniture…do SOMETHING! If we as women started demanding what men are really supposed to be doing for us, instead of selling ourselves short, we would actually find that they *WILL* rise to the occasion.
My friend gave me the PERFECT analogy to what’s happening in our relationships, and that is: the housing market. Imagine in 2005 you bought a million dollar home. But because of the conditions in the housing market, you see all of your neighbors selling their homes for a fraction of what it’s really worth. What does this do to the value of your home? It declines. A simple appraisal might tell you that your home is worth $500k. “HOW CAN THIS BE?” you ask. Easy. Value is relative and subjective to many factors. And in THIS market, you would have the hardest time finding someone to buy your home for a million because “comparable” properties are being bought and sold for $500k. Do you see where I’m going with this? The value of a woman (a GOOD woman) is immeasurable. But if one were to quantify it, I’d say it’s AT LEAST worth a WHOLE man. But toooooo many of US are selling ourselves short. We’re lowering the market value simply by giving our worth for less than a man. Plainly put, we’re messing it up for the other sisters out there who are trying desperately to hold on to their value. We’re quick to dog out sisters who settle for a half a man, failing to realize the role we’ve played in creating this mess to begin with. How many of our exes have taken the message that we have given them, and then turned around and presented less than a full man to the next woman? I can admit I’ve contributed to the problem. Now I’m trying to be a part of the solution. Are you?
(P.S. Sorry if you're offended by my language. But I chose my words carefully to make the points I intended to make...)
Love and Bullshit: Part Three – The Mamas
Langston Hughes once wrote a poem in the voice of a mother speaking to her son. This mother, who surely has endured the trials and tribulations of life, told her son “don’t you turn back, don’t you set down on the steps ‘cause you finds it’s kinder hard.” If only the mothers of the young men today were bold enough to have this kind of conversation with their sons. You see, not that many generations ago, when black mothers may not have had much formal education and training, or careers outside of the home, what they DID know how to do is raise children. They knew and understood that their job was not to be their child’s friend and companion, and not even to prevent their child from suffering bumps and bruises as they navigated through the rocky terrains of life. These mothers, these aunties, and these grandmothers never found that life for them was easy. Life for them was not a crystal staircase, nor were they born with a silver spoon of privilege in their mouths. And thus, their hearts were not fashioned such that they felt the need to shelter their sons and daughters from the harsh realities of the world, but rather, they felt obligated to PREPARE them for such. But somewhere along the way, mothers and grandmothers got soft on their children, and this has proved detrimental to our community, particularly in regards to black men and the women that love them.
Contrary to what my friends and family members tell me, I am not the best mother in the world. I try and give my best; but I have faults just like every mother out there. And since I’m in the situation as many other mothers, raising children without a father in the home, I feel the stings of reality on a daily basis. Life for me has been hard. Not just since adulthood, but I’ve faced struggles for damn near the entire span of my life. It wasn’t easy growing up as a young woman without a mother. And the loss of my mother at the age of 4 has probably shaped and molded me in more ways than I’ll ever fully know or understand. Spending the bulk of my childhood with parents addicted to crack cocaine has forced me to accept that this world can be a dark, scary, and dreadful place. I’ve seen, experienced, and endured things I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. And yet, there are others whose testimonies make my life look like a walk on the beach! I cannot forecast what life will bring for my children, but one thing I know for certain, they will be prepared for whatever it turns out to be. You see, my strength as a mother lies in my dedication to giving them the tools and resources, confidence and skills to successfully triumph over any trials. Trials are to be expected. This I make sure I teach my children. I strongly feel that when a mother shelters her children instead of preparing them for the storm, they are not being loving. Instead, they are doing their children a disservice. And even further, I believe that when a mother enables her son to continue living as a child though he’s reached the age of maturity and adulthood, she is doing a disservice to the community at large.
Mothers, I implore you to stop enabling your grown sons to live and act as children. Whatever you have done or failed to do in their childhood years cannot be erased or fixed now in their adulthood by being there every time they fall. Accept that you did your best with what you had and allow, encourage, and require them to man up! I know how deeply the love a mother has for her son runs. It’s something so special and endearing that cannot be explained. But if you truly love your son, you will step back and let him be the man he needs to be…the man that his family and our community need him to be.
Should he flunk out of college, don’t offer him a place to stay or humor his request to stay with you. Instead, let him work two and three jobs so that he can understand the impact of his irresponsibility. Maybe then he’ll find the motivation to go back to school and do it right the next go ‘round, so that he can establish a CAREER and only work one job. Or maybe he’ll pick up a book and figure out how to start a business of his own and become a successful entrepreneur, learning by experience what the Word teaches, that “he who does not work, neither shall he eat.” (2 Thessalonians 3:10). But trust and believe, if you give him an “out”, he’ll take it, and he’ll never learn.
Should that young man you love so dearly go out and impregnate somebody’s young daughter they love just as strongly, be a grandmother and nothing more. Don’t do what he’s supposed to do for that child as a father because then, he’ll never develop as a father, trusting he has you as his crutch. And if he just so happens to get caught up with the worst of “baby mamas”, you know, the kind that is ghetto, trifling, and ready to milk that baby for all it’s worth… don’t go attacking her. Don’t step in and fight that battle for him. Instead, let him see that no sex, no matter how “fine” the chick is or how “bad” her body may be, is worth all of the frustration and headaches. Maybe the next time, he’ll evaluate a woman’s CHARACTER (and contemplate if he’d want her to be the mother of his child) before he lies down with her.
Should that angel of yours find obeying the law difficult and end up in jail, don’t bail him out. Let him suffer the consequences of his actions so that he can learn that the LAST thing he should do as a black man is give anyone ammunition to use against him. Teach him as a child that he might be targeted and profiled based on the color of his skin and should mind the law, to the best of his abilities. His failure to do such can and will rob him of our most precious and treasured human right: FREEDOM! Remind him, as often as you can, that those before him shed blood and lost their lives so that he might enjoy freedom. Don’t ever let him take his freedom for granted, or he very well might find himself losing it. And if that happens, if you don’t give him the chance to learn his lesson, he’ll soon return to imprisonment. And the statistics of black men who go to jail will remain as they’ve been, resulting in fathers who are taken from their children’s lives and men who are unable to contribute to our society and community beyond picking up trash from the side of the road.
If your young man of a son gets laid off from his job, don’t fret. Give him a hug and a kiss on the forehead and ask him “what you gonna do now, son?” Don’t pay his car note for him. Should he lose his car, he’ll be okay. He can ride the bus and public transportation with the rest of those who don’t have cars, or he’ll figure out a way to get a vehicle again. Perhaps he’ll scrape together a couple thousand dollars, buy a bucket, and learn basic car maintenance. He’ll be the type of man that can change oil and a tire, should he have to, the type of man that every woman desires to be able to call upon when she’s stranded on the side of the road. Should he find a hard time balancing a budget, don’t tip the scale out of your own finances. He’ll learn to evaluate how he spends his money more closely if he’s eating Raman Noodles but has clothes, shoes, jewelry, and gadgets that most consider a luxury. He’ll stop eating out and learn to cook when his electricity gets cut off. And when that “baby mama” hits him up for $600 in child support, he’ll not only learn to “wrap it up” next time…but he’ll also learn that his life and his money are no longer his.
Anything short of the loss of his life, allow him to figure out. He will. Trust me. Many a men have lost their jobs and they did not die! “The Pursuit of Happyness” is not just a poignant story of victory over struggles, triumphs over mistakes. To me, it represents what every man should be prepared to do. Tyler Perry was once homeless and slept in his car. I’m sure he would not be the successful man he is today if he had a mother give him the out that so many mothers have given and continue to give these young men today.
As harsh as this may sound, if you were woman enough to lay down and get pregnant, you need to be woman enough to raise a child that will not be a hindrance to society and our community. Whether or not the father of your son is doing the right thing, has an active role in his life, and provides a steadfast example of what a man should be, you must never compromise on your expectation that your son will be a man upon his entry into adulthood. It’s unfortunate that young boys are no longer required to “go into the wilderness” as a rite of passage, resurfacing as men. But the struggles of life provide the same result, forcing men to abandon their childish ways. 1 Corinthians 13:11 says “when I was a child, I spoke as a child,I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” Whatever you do, teach your sons that when they become men, they are expected to put away childish things.
There is nothing manly about living with your mom, ESPECIALLY if you’re not paying rent. There is nothing manly about making babies for whom you are unable to provide sufficient and adequate support, both financially and physically.
There is nothing manly about going to jail for breaking the law. There is nothing manly about being unemployed and content. And there is nothing manly about allowing a woman to take care of you in the capacities in which men are *supposed* to take care of women. If you have given birth to a son who is now over the age of 18 and falls into any of these categories, it is your duty to society to tell him, “MAN UP!” If you have struggled, remind him that he cannot fall now, for life for you ain’t been no crystal stair, and neither shall it be for him. Before we (as young women) can ask these brothers to be great husbands and commendable fathers, you (as the women who have brought them into this world) must present them to us as men.